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| Anxious No More |
| Changed Lives - February 2009 |
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| God's Calming Work on Sean's Life |
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Heart thumping anxiety gripped Sean. His speech was broken by stuttering while his legs and hands were visibly shaking as he spoke with Albuquerque Rescue Mission’s Chaplain Jim Skinner.
That day at the Mission is clear in Sean’s mind. He remembers his anxiety easing and a sense of wonderment at the realization that he was in a safe place. No longer did he have to run from the enemy within, and the possibilities of a new future began to take shape.
Sean’s earliest memories were of abuse. His father, a violent man, was known to take his temper out on Sean when he was just an infant. Later, the physical and emotional abuse from his parents and others included sexual abuse from the age of six. This terrifying childhood built layer upon layer of deep anger, resentment, fear, and depression.
Crippling depression and paranoia had long ruled his life and caused him to ruin relationships, lose jobs, and scorn friendships. Sean built a fortress in his apartment and left his place of safety only to get more drugs. Drugs and alcohol were his ammunition from an early age. Marijuana was easy to obtain, and the effects of the drug eased the pain and anguish, but only for a while. Getting high, drunk or otherwise numbing his senses were Sean’s main coping mechanisms for many years. However, there were times he would try to get help. A variety of programs, counseling, and even an attempt at religion didn’t have the long-term effect he was seeking. Even in the times he was able to stay sober, he felt miserable, angry, fearful and isolated. Sean added crack cocaine, hallucinogens and prescription drugs to his life. “Anything to take the edge off” continued to be the mainstay and purpose of Sean’s days.
Sean’s struggles came to a climax one Fall day. As he sat alone in his apartment contemplating suicide, not for the first time, he felt a conviction like never before in his desire to die. He was tired of the struggle; there was no hope for him. Death was the only answer. A voice pierced Sean’s black thoughts telling him to leave - leave now… do not look back; LEAVE and LIVE. Without a second thought, Sean grabbed up a few items and ran, leaving everything else behind him and headed for an unknown place where he could receive help.
Wandering while confused and ill, Sean knew that he could neither stop nor go back to the life he had been living without dying. Sean stayed with good friends while he tried several agencies. Finally, his search brought him to the Albuquerque Rescue Mission and the New Life Program for Men. But the interview was cut short by Sean’s illness and aggravated by stress which caused him to stammer and shake until Jim Skinner, Chaplain, kindly told him kindly to go back, get stabilized on the right medications, and then return to the Mission and the program. And that is what Sean did.
When he returned to the Mission a few days later, he was welcomed. Sean settled in and found a support system he had never imagined existed. “I needed a safe place. God made sure I had that,” Sean relates. While talking with his chaplain, he experienced a complete feeling of trust in the genuineness behind the advice. He listened to Jim outline the necessary steps to his recovery through the program to a future based not on fear and anger, but a life built in and with God. “ARM has been a great blessing to me. Words can’t describe how I feel about the Mission, and my life was saved because of the work done here with myself and so many others.”
Life at the Mission was not the easiest for Sean; he was not able to shut himself off from his chaplains and fellow NLP’s. He had to begin facing the emotional pain of his childhood abuse, so long suppressed. He knew that without God’s help he was not going to be able to forgive those who had hurt him. Placing his anger and pain in God’s hands was very difficult. “I was so scared that I was responsible that I deserved the beatings; I deserved everything that happened to me. For so long I really believed my family when they told me I was bad.” Understanding that the abuse was not his fault was a start in Sean’s emotional healing. His health issues also had to be dealt with and step-by-step he made progress. Sean remembers, “The year I spent in the New Life Program was one of great uplifting and support by the staff and fellow NLP’s. I really miss the continual encouragement, daily affirmation and circle of love that I received here at the Mission.”
Life for Sean now, after a year in the New Life Program, has him transitioned into his own apartment with friends to support his new life in Christ. When his friends saw what the Mission did for Sean’s life, they were so impressed that they have vowed to support the Mission. Sean’s plans for the future include starting school to earn a degree in Construction Management Technology. He would like to open his own business eventually and work with FEMA in the natural disaster assessment field. |
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